Dear Doctor, I'm Suffering Football Delusions

Dear Doctor,

This summer has been very difficult for me due to a lack the football on offer, but on top of that I appear to be hallucinating.

I woke up this morning to the news that former England manager Sven-Göran Eriksson is to become director of football at League Two side Notts County. I know they have the pedigree as the oldest professional club in the world and that Sven has reportedly been offered £2 million a year thanks to a recent takeover by Middle-Eastern group Munto Finance, but this can’t be true can it? After all we are talking about the former manager of such illustrious clubs as Sampdoria, Lazio and to a lesser extent Manchester City and he is a winner of trophies such as the Serie A, UEFA Cup and Ulrika Jonnson.

This though has just been the tip of the iceberg as I seem to have had a whole summer of it.

It all started with the spending sprees of Real Madrid and Manchester City. First Kaka and then Ronaldo signed for Real and both broke the world transfer record as Galacticos mark II began to take shape, despite only being able to beat Irish side Shamrock Rovers 1-0. Meanwhile at Eastlands, Mark Hughes and City have been attempting to follow suit with sporadic success, having signed Carlos Tevez and Emmanuel Adebayor amongst others and even tried to tempt Mr Chelsea, John Terry away from the Bridge. If he does decide to go though doctor, I’ll need some strong medication for the sheer lack of ethics and morals shown.

Also, nice guy and former model of a professional footballer, Steven Gerrard, has been in court and on the front pages after reportedly attacking a punter in a bar “with a succession of well-aimed uppercut punches delivered with the style and speed of a professional boxer rather than a professional footballer” according to prosecuting QC David Turner.

Barmy friendly results have also been a fixture in my hallucinations, with Villarreal demolishing minnows Navata 27-0, which made me question the point of the game, other than as an act of humiliation at expense of the Spanish minnows.

My delirium has been further aggravated by Manchester United snapping up Michael Owen on a free-transfer, after he was seemingly been written off as a has-been with the aid of a glossy brochure, but has been transformed in my mind into a shrewd signing and a force to be reckoned with once again. After all Sir Alex rarely has a howler in the transfer market, with the possible exception of Massimo Taibi.

Added to this is David Backham’s angry response to the boos and jeers he received upon his return to LA Galaxy after a loan spell with AC Milan, which has given me mixed feelings. I can understand the fans feelings of discontent at not having their star player for half of the season, but maybe he was just fed of playing on pitches with American football markings on in a league that no one outside North America respects. At least there are no effigies and no is questioning if his wife has a fondness for anal sex. Having said that his situation is all of his own making and what did he hope to achieve by beckoning a fan to come out from the crowd?

I’m sure many people are in the same boat as me doctor and that you have probably been bombarded by people with the same symptoms, but if there is anything you can prescribe to help conquer my football illusions and maintain my sanity ahead of the resumption of the Premier League in a months time it would be greatly appreciated.

Regards,

Dan Mobbs

Posted By Dan Mobbs - Wednesday July 22, 2009.
Tags: Sven-Göran Eriksson, pre-season