Often footballers’ assaults on the pop charts are light hearted flights of fancy that are dreamed up on the training ground and due to the players status, ego and income they somehow manage to make this a reality. However, former Spurs team mates Glenn Hoddle and Chris Waddle clearly fancied themselves as the next Duran Duran, with Hoddle revelling in the high notes of the soaring chorus and his white jacket on loan from Simon Le Bon, however Waddle looks like a schoolboy suffering from stage fright during the school nativity play. The song reached number 12 in the UK charts, but the duo wouldn’t collaborate again.

Having seemingly overcome his stage fright for this attempt at pop fame with former Marseille team mate Basile Boli, Waddle again unleashed his tuneless Geordie singing voice on the world with the opening lyrics “I kicked and punched my rubber balls with great emotions I recall.” After numerous listens I’m still unsure what the song is about. Having learnt a little shoulder-shuffle and a few other dance moves, Waddle seemed comfortable in his role as a rip-off of Peter Gabriel singing Sledgehammer, but unfortunately it doesn’t make for easy viewing. Affectionately remembered on the south coast of France as Magic Chris, I think this howler has thankfully for him been overshadowed by his brilliance on the pitch.

Whether it’s purely for sentimental reasons, or something else unfathomable, I actually really like this song despite lyrics of dubious quality, John Barnes rapping and that fella from the Listerine adverts playing the part of the attention seeking kid who always wants to be on camera. Previously purveyors of intellectual dance-pop New Order decided to allow John Barnes to rap as a finale to their opus to the England football team and with lyrics like “you’ve got to hold and give but do it at the right time” who can blame them. Genius.

What does Gazza sing at the start of his drum machine heavy hit? Something about sausage rolls? Despite Gazza modelling a series of hideous shell suits and for much of the song slurring his way through the lyrics, this reached number two in the charts in 1990. Originally released in 1971 by Geordie folk rockers Lindisfarne, this greatly reworked version helped them towards retirement and highlighted Gazza’s fun loving attitude and his inability to sing.

Morten Gamst Pedersen is unfortunately for real with this boy band slushy tripe that even the likes of Westlife would be too ashamed to go near. A skilful player on the pitch, but not in the studio, The Players (fantastically witty and original name) are the personification of a stereotypical boy band with their corny sugar coated lyrics and matching outfits. I almost feel ashamed to have this on ThreeMatchBan, but atrocities like this should be made available to the public so that the perpetrators can be punished. His collaborators are fellow footballers, Freddy dos Santos, Raymond Kvisvik, Kristofer Hæstad and Øyvind Svenning.

Maybe it’s a cultural thing that I’m sorely missing and I’m the one that’s worse off for it, but this group fronted by Carlos Tevez sounds like a couple of lads singing after a few too many down the pub, although he describes it as a mix between shanty music and hip-hop. In defence of Tevez’s effort at singing, the footage is filmed on a video camera pointed at footage of the Argentine striker on TV and the sounds is extremely poor, but I don’t feel he will be spreading the word of his singing abilities to potential employers, as he looks for a new club.

Amazingly this stayed at number one in Croatia for four months during 1998. Four Months? That’s a long time for there not to be a better song than this pub sing along with former Derby and West Ham defender Igor Stimac. Explaining his reasons for why the song was such a success, “I think the sales were really down to Croatia doing well in the tournament rather than my voice! I sang on the record and played guitar.” That’s one theory, but brain washing would be my guess.