Player Profile: Ian Holloway

Very few people associated with football earn positive praise for the content of their character, instead of their ability on the pitch; in fact some professionals can be viewed as figures of hate and disgust, if for example they have it off behind their missus back with a French lingerie model, who just happens to be the ex of a friend and former teammate.

Ian Holloway is a exception though. Not particularly because he was an outstanding player or is an excellent manager, but instead it’s for his ability to poetically hurl you a picture of the highs and lows he experiences in football in such a vivid, abstract and entertainingly rambling way that you are encapsulated by him.

He’s certainly not your standard run-of the mill manager or tow-the line pro that litters most post match analysis.

He’s grumpy. He’s angry. He excitable, but he’s still appealing and interesting to listen to, which makes a refreshing change to the “I didn’t see the incident” or “I’m just going to work hard and hope the gaffer picks me” predictable waffle that we’re normally force-fed.

Currently in charge of Championship side Blackpool, his gift of the gab shows no sign of tiring with age as he ably demonstrated when playfully describing his sides impressive run of form, despite being tipped as relegation candidates at the start of the season by the bookies.

“That’s 40 points and we need another 12. When we do, I’ll put a couple of fingers up at the bookies.”

This isn’t though a skill that he’s just pulled out of the bag to entertain the masses; this is an art that he has meticulously cultivated over many years to achieve the status as my every-man-football-fan Poet Laureate.

So in no particular order, here’s my top five favourites from his back catalogue.

1. “My lot are the ugliest team ever to have worn the blue and white hoops - we certainly don’t sell many calendars! In my playing days we had some right good looking bastards. But this lot are the worst I have ever seen! They all look like dogs”
On his QPR squad

2. “I couldn’t be more chuffed if I were a badger at the start of the mating season.”
On beating Cardiff 1-0

3. “To put it in gentleman’s terms if you’ve been out for a night and you’re looking for a young lady and you pull one, some weeks they’re good looking and some weeks they’re not the best. Our performance today would have been not the best looking bird but at least we got her in the taxi. She weren’t the best looking lady we ended up taking home but she was very pleasant and very nice, so thanks very much, let’s have a coffee”
On an ugly win

4. “He’s six foot something, fit as a flea, good looking - he’s got to have something wrong with him. Hopefully he’s hung like a hamster – That would make us all feel better. Having said that, me missus has got a pet hamster at home, and his cock’s massive.”
On Cristiano Ronaldo

5. “They say that every dog has his day and today is woof day. That might sound crazy but I want to go and bark!”
On beating Sheffield Wednesday

Posted By Dan Mobbs - Thursday February 4, 2010.
Tags: Ian Holloway, comedian