The week in headlines: Nou Way Out for Fabregas, Beckham’s off and Terry’s on the slide

Imagine a world where the biggest and most important stories from the world of football don’t contain puns a plenty, double entendres or Arsene Wenger mocked up as Mr T.

It doesn’t bear thinking about. Thankfully though we live in an age of instant gratification, where people’s thirst for fast information is unquenchable and there’s no better way to get the crux of a story across than the headline.

Adoration then must be poured on The Sun, Star and the Standard. The Guardian, Metro and Gazette, who have all contributed towards another week in headlines.

England’s unnecessarily hard fought victory over a Hungary side ranked 62nd in the world should have dominated the back pages, but Fabio Capello’s wonderful piece of PR distracted attention from an abject performance that only glimmered with flashes of hope, when he announced David Beckham’s retirement, apparently without the LA Galaxy man’s knowledge. Naturally The Sun had a pre-prepared headline for such an eventuality that paid respect to the nations expectations for the future and acknowledged the old boy’s past.

Not every creaking member of the England squad has been lavished with the same affection Beckham received though. After his far from inspirational performance in South Africa and his embarrassment at the hands of Wayne Rooney in the Charity Shield, John Terry became fodder for The Sun’s frustrations, who accused his career of heading south faster than the world champion skier.

Jack Wilshere, Kieran Gibbs, Joe Hart, Theo Walcott and Michael Dawson were jolly gash darn excited about their new adventure, which was written by Enid Blyton for the Evening Standard. Their fun didn’t stop when final whistle blew though, as after the match they overheard a clumsily plotted plan whilst eating their jam sandwiches in their garden den and would later foil the heist. Wizzo.

Not a story about a possible seedy encounter in which Capello was pleasured thrice, but in fact a story about his difficulty in filling his squad with players who wanted to be there, as covered in The Metro.

Thankfully though and almost like clockwork there will be an article in the tabloids featuring the seedy activities of a footballer. This week Peter Crouch’s name was used to great effect in the Sun to demonstrate the severity of the hiding he was on the receiving end of, after The Sun exposed that he bedded a prostitute on his stag night.

On Monday Martin O’Neill announced he was leaving his managerial position at Villa and was seen marchin’ home by The Sun.

The Guardian’s Fiver blog displayed a greater level of sensitivity towards Villa’s loss though and expressed their sorrow that the Premier League could potentially be without the Northern Irishman’s energetic pitchside antics this season.

Having failed to find a way back to his beloved Barcelona, World Cup winner Cesc Fabregas made a grim claim in the Daily Star, although thankfully for Arsenal fans, he’s happy to remain in his North London prison for at least one more season.